Do you regret leaving?

Yes.

And no.

It’s complicated.

It’s too early to tell if I should regret leaving or not. Do I regret going to Japan in the first place? Not at all. I look back at all the good things in my life and they’re a result of my time in Japan. Even the things I gained here back at home are products of the person Japan molded me into.

This might come off as too simplistic but it’s impossible to know what my life would be like right now if I had stayed in Japan. The same goes for having stayed in North Carolina instead. What would my life be like if I had moved to California after college?

I think it’s important to ponder these questions. Dwelling too long on them is not likely to be healthy, however. In some ways, my time in Japan is more real than my life before leaving America. Is that strange to say? It’s hard to remember what I was like back then. I remember thinking I was too fat even though I weigh perhaps, thirty pounds more than when I was in college. I still think I’m too fat but at the same rate as before my time in Japan.

Drinking was a big part of college but it doesn’t come close to what I did in Japan. It’s been so long since I’ve had any alcohol it’s hard to remember what that was like. Not what it was like to be drunk mind you. I can still pull off a pretty decent imitation. Rather what it was like to be a drunk. Noun version instead of the adjective. I suppose the difference is just one of duration.

Often, I would look up at the skyline of Tokyo during sunset and pause. I would think “I’m in Japan” as if that was the greatest thing in the world and the culmination of all my ambitions. The problem was, that is exactly what it was. When I left, I had no other idea or plan except “Live in Japan” full stop. I think it’s similar for many foreigners who end up there. The expats who stay the longest can look up at that sky and think “I’m in Japan and…”

Finishing that thought is the hardest part of living there. I saw many of my friends pull it off. Many others couldn’t. Do I regret leaving? Still hard to say. I was missing that piece. I didn’t have anything solid I could point to as a life victory. Is failure simply the absence of success?

I hope not. I don’t like to think of myself as a failure. That played a big role in my hesitation. The idea of failing this great life experiment of mine called living in Japan. I confessed as much to my closest friend when I was first thinking about leaving.

He told me to flip the script. It’s not running from failure but towards opportunity. Just because it hasn’t shown itself doesn’t mean it isn’t just over the horizon. The best thing to do is to keep running. Trouble is metaphorical running is the hardest kind.

And I’m still so fat and out of shape.

Metaphorically speaking.

Shit…